his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
