You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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