First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Ketchup is God's man juice
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
