I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize