No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
