onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize