my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
