Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
