You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
