wakey wakey hands off snakey
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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