the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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