what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
