I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
