Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
