Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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