So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
