if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
It's official drugs can't kill me
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
