Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Randomize
