I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Randomize
