Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
