Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
