Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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