There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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