you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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