On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I don't deserve a penis
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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