Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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