Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
