I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
