It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
