True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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