i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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