I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
