Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
