I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Text me some of your sweat
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
