Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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