My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
