Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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