im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
