i was born a porn star she said
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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