He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
