Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
