I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I am never drinking with the goths again.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
