i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
