Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
