Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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