Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize