Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
