I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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