I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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