Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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