you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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