Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
