May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
We're too hungover to prance.
Randomize