tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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