We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
