My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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