you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
