I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
