The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
