my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
