she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
