so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
